Writing... What's the Point?

Reclaiming my space as a writer

I want to be candid with you, friends.

There’s been a few things lately that have made me want to curl up into a ball in the corner of the room and hiss at anyone who walks by.

Writing is already a very hard, long, helpless-feeling business. But lately, it’s felt even more so. This year, with the Short Story a Month Challenge I set myself, I wanted writing to be fun; to write for the joy of it with no expectation or pressure to get those pieces published or entered into competitions. But with so many bitter feelings still connected to my writing, I’ve been wondering how true that is.

I was unsuccessful in a manuscript competition this week and I cried my flipping eyes out. I’ve never done that before with a writing rejection. Fuelled by emotion, I took the rejection personally. I questioned my worth as a creator, I hated the work I submitted.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. OMG Bianca, it was one rejection, so what? But this one rejection has come in the wake of several other things that has made me question… Why do I write?

Getting a novel published has always been the ultimate goal for me. I’m seeing everyone else share their big news, and sometimes it feels hard to be happy for them, like I’m getting left behind. I feel like my novel ideas are going in circles, and I’m not sure if they’re even worth pursuing. Something every fantasy writer knows - because they’re constantly told - is that the genre just doesn’t sell in Australia. Recently, one successful, established, and prolific author admitted to being on submission for fourteen months. Another, when asked about breaking into the industry, said to not even try for an Australian audience. It’s no secret that publishing employees are burning out and leaving their jobs, thus breaking connections they might have had and making those relationships harder to build.

All of this is to say, if pursuing traditional publishing is so hard and painful… Do I actually have to do it? Is it truly still my goal? Because, I’m realising, these feelings are not really about my writing, are they? They’re about the validation that an acceptance brings. My work in the industry brings a lot of that validation, and now I feel like I have a bit of freedom to re-evaluate my writing and writer brand. Because, to be honest, I don’t know if I have the energy to write what I think Australian publishers want. I’m not even sure if I’ve tried as hard as I can, but when I, an absolute fantasy fan, starts to panic-think of contemporary themes because that’s what I think will get published, I realise I’m doing something wrong with my love of writing.

Trying for the Australian market was always going to be harder because we literally just don’t have the numbers - of readers, of publishers, of agents. So if I want to keep writing fantasy… do I just take it elsewhere? Do I start querying US and UK publishers and agents? Do I self-publish? (I also realise that I’m still talking from a place of privilege.) In this digital age, publishing is so accessible. I’m already doing it - look, you’re reading from one of my platforms right now.

So to answer my own question about what the point of writing is… Well, I’m still figuring it out. But I can feel a shift happening around what my writing means to me and what I want to achieve with it, and even the kinds of stories I want to tell, and that’s pretty exciting. I’m in a mood to write whatever I want because I want to write it, and not because I think it’s the idea that’s going to get me a publishing contract.

I do still want a book published one day. I think I’m just a bit more open to the ways that could look like. But I’ll make it happen… or else what would be the point of calling this blog Manifest?

If you’re still here, thanks. This is my big ol’ public diary and I appreciate your interest and patience. I hope you enjoyed this read, I hope maybe you can even relate. Most of all, I hope you’re loving what you’re writing, even if you’re the only one who does. I think that’s all a story could ask for.